“So Vic, you used to be the mascot for the Chicago Bulls? What a coincidence–I used to dress up as a character at Disneyland!”
I have this exchange not infrequently. And I try to handle it graciously, usually with something like, “Oh, that’s cool.” But really, what I’m thinking is: YOU FOOL, DON’T TRY TO COMPARE YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH MINE BECAUSE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MASCOTTING!!!
Professional sports mascotting is the Big Time. It’s The Show. It’s the greatest venue for a mascot, and it requires an extreme level of creativity, athleticism, fearlessness, and the ability to perform physical feats while breathing in only your own carbon dioxide. Putting on a costume at Disneyland involves putting your arm around people and posing for a camera.
So Mr. “I Wore A Goofy Costume,” I ask you: Have you ever had to veer 60 degrees to the left in a series of backhandsprings in order to avoid a referee that suddenly stepped in the way? No? Then you know nothing about mascotting.
Have you ever laid on the ground desperately hyperventilating for oxygen for 15 minutes after running a flag the size of New Hampshire around a basketball court 6 times? No? Then you know nothing about mascotting.
Did you have to wear a mouthguard while slam-dunking off a mini-trampoline to insure that you don’t knock your teeth out on the rim? No? Then you know nothing about mascotting.
Did you have an agreement with your assistant that if he ever saw you motionless on the ground for more than 5 seconds that he had to IMMEDIATELY rip off your costume head because it meant that you had passed out from lack of oxyen? No? Then you know nothing about mascotting.
Did you spend hours smashing and re-gluing pine boards for your karate skit? Have you racked your brain for sketches and videos to entertain crowds? Have you run into a spectator-accomplice carrying a monster bag of popcorn? Have you thrown a cake at an opposing fan only to hit the old lady-accomplice in the row below him? Have you pretended to rack your testicles by falling on a rail while actually racking your testicles in the process? Can you get a an entire section of crowd to cheer and hush all on your gestures? No? Well, guess what? IF YOU WORE A COSTUME AT DISNEYLAND, YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MASCOTTING!!!
Just because you occasionally wear a Lakers jersey, it doesn’t make you Kobe Bryant.
Vic Chao 